This last week or so I have been an emotional train-wreck. As a kid my tears were easily triggered and irrationally based, a trait I managed to conquer and have unwillingly picked back up. There are so many things going right in my life - come to think of it, I can't think of anything going wrong - and yet I have been a mess. I have realized that it's all of the good things in my life that have placed this stress on my soul. I feel undeserving of my health; my bliss in school; and most of all, of the people who love me so whole-heartedly. I'm overrated and feel inadequate. I haven't done anything to deserve my beautiful life.
This evening I went to my photography class which opened with a slideshow displaying some of the most beautiful photographs I've ever seen. These pictures all had one thing in common, they were real. They were pictures of people in love, a child on a swing-set, a newborn, a park bench, mountains, and more. That was when I realized just how ridiculous I have been. Beauty is everywhere, it's just a matter of recognizing and embracing it. Life should be simple, without headaches and without doubt.
It doesn't matter if my life doesn't mirror someone else's, or if my silly hopes aren't met, or even if I feel undeserving of my endless blessings, because life is good. I've decided to calm down and smile. Maybe the reason I feel unqualified of the love of my family, friends, and fiance is because I am. I once laughed more and danced more. I want that back.
I guess it's fitting to have discovered this at the first of the biggest year of my life. I want to start fresh, start with zest.
I hope that my new composed and tranquil mind will prepare me to be the best wife I can possibly be. Maybe it will save my sanity in my busiest semester yet. Maybe it will allow me to forgive myself for not being perfect and motivate me to just be a better person. Maybe I just need sleep. Maybe this post will make sense to no one but myself, but maybe, just maybe, someone will relate and take the same turn I'm going to take. Maybe.
WHEW! I apologize for anyone who read this, it's heavy but I needed to release.
4 comments :
Stacie! Can i just tell you that you summed up all of my thoughts today!!!! This post is an answer to my prayers!!!! You are so amazing, and by the way an AMAZING writer! I feel lucky that you are a part of my life!
Stac you ARE a fabulous, beautiful, smart, funny, creative soul and you DESERVE EVERYTHING great in your life. I am not just saying that, I MEAN it! You are amazing, embrace all the great things because they were meant for you.
You are the best Stacie and I love you so much. I am starting to tear up again just thinking of my last girl getting married. I have been irrationally emotional about this because I am soooo happy for you. I just keep thinking of my little "Roo" who is not all grown up.
This reminds me of my patriarchal blessing where it talks about being grateful for what we have and not feeling guilty about it. I have the same struggles as you do every day. You are fabulous. I couldn't love you more.
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